Shakespeare once said, “Everyone can master a grief but he that has it.” And it is so true. There is a plethora of advice from well-intended family and friends, often offered from a place of love and a desire to help. Yet when you are the one grieving, some of that advice can feel anything but helpful.

“You need to be strong.”

“They had a good innings.”

“Time heals.”

“It is part of God’s plan.”

“You just have to keep busy.”

“You need to move on.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

These are just a few that are plucked from the “Grief Cliché Catalogue”. We hear these words so often it can seem as though they have become truths we carry.

But have we ever really stopped to question them? Where did they come from and who wrote this list?

What if they are beliefs we’ve simply inherited rather than truths we’ve discovered for ourselves?

Or perhaps the question isn’t simply whether they are true, but why we’ve come to believe them in the first place.

Because these messages are so often repeated, it is easy to see how they become beliefs we carry without ever questioning them. We may never stop to ask, “Where did I learn this? Why do I believe it? Is it actually true for me? And is it still serving me?”

And this raises another important question to consider – what if some of the things you’ve been told and the beliefs you carry about grief aren’t actually helping you heal?

Some of the things we hear and what we have learned do not always align with how we feel.

So, where do our beliefs about grief actually come from?

Many of them are passed down to us through family, culture, religion, media, previous experiences and the people around us.

Others come from what I call societal programming—the messages we repeatedly receive about how grief is supposed to look, how long it should last and what we are expected to do with it.

Grief is uncomfortable, and when we encounter something we don’t know how to fix, we often reach for what feels familiar. We offer advice, platitudes and reassurance, in the hope of making the pain and discomfort easier to bear. But in doing so, are we actually supporting the person who is grieving—or are we simply trying to make grief more comfortable and palatable for ourselves?

And if it is so unhelpful and outdated, why do we continue to regurgitate an ineffective belief system and its language to support people in grief?

Just because a belief has been passed down, repeated or accepted by society doesn’t mean we have to keep carrying it.

It is ok to question things you hear, your beliefs and even the language we use. In fact, get curious about them.

We understand grief is as unique as our fingerprints, so it may be true that some of these messages and beliefs have been helpful at one point in our lives. Others we may have simply inherited and accepted without ever taking time to question them.

However, just because we have always believed something doesn’t necessarily mean that it continues to be true for us. Because sometimes, what once helped us make sense of something can eventually become the thing that keeps us stuck. We may be unaware that we are hurting ourselves by holding onto something that no longer serves us.

Sometimes our beliefs may start to resemble rules. We are told there is no right or wrong way and no rules when it comes to grief and grieving, yet there seems to be wide acceptance of the belief that grief never goes away and that you grieve forever, especially when grieving the death of a loved one. It is one of those beliefs shared so much, it not only feels like a rule, but a poisoned chalice.

Where did the belief we must remain in a state of grief forever come from?

Do we really have to grieve forever? Is this a belief we want to continue to carry?

Do we not have agency over how we choose to navigate life after loss?

Well, do we?

What if we could continue to love, remember and honour someone without having to remain stuck in the pain of loss?

What if moving through grief isn’t about forgetting, letting go or “getting over it”, but about finding a way to carry the loss while reclaiming your life?

And in doing that, create our own beliefs and language that feels aligned and true.

So, I ask you – what beliefs are you carrying about grief and are they really serving you?