Dear Friend

I have been trying to tell you some things I need you to know. I don’t think you mean to hurt me when you ask me why I am still grieving. Maybe you think you are being supportive when you tell me I need to move on, and you think enough time has passed.

But it does hurt me.

You might believe that by not mentioning my husband’s name and telling me to get out more that you are doing the right thing, but to me, it feels like you are trying to erase him from my conversations, my memories and my life, and that my feelings are invalid.

I have tried to find the right words to explain what my grief feels like, but some things are hard to explain to someone who has not had to carry loss like this before. I actually find it difficult to understand myself.

From the outside, it might seem like I should be ok by now, you know I am getting out of bed every day and that I have managed to go back to work, but there are some things that you don’t see or understand what I am going through.

You see, when my husband died, I did not just lose the person I loved. I lost so much more.

I lost the future we were supposed to have, the plans we had made, the routines that shaped our days from that first morning coffee to the tender kiss good night. I lost the stability he provided, he was my rock, the one who made me feel safe. I lost the person who knew the smallest details of my life, my best friend and confidante.

I lost a version of myself, too, that person I was when I was with him, the life I understood, that felt so secure. I lost the person who fixed things when they broke and the steady reassurance of knowing I did not have to face life alone.

I lost my sense of purpose and connection to things that once felt so familiar, and now I am trying to find my place in a life that no longer feels like mine.

I lost joy in ordinary simple things, like watching tv, and walking by the creek, because those things feel empty and hard without him here.

I do hope I have found the right words to help you understand why I am still grieving, why I cannot simply move on as you would like, because this loss reaches into parts of my life you may never see. I am trying to carry the love, the memories and the pain of losing him, while learning how to live in a world that feels foreign without him.

This is something you cannot fix, and I don’t expect you to fully understand, I am simply asking you to be patient with me, to say his name and to let me grieve without making me feel like I am doing it wrong. Please know that my grief is not me refusing to move forward, I am just trying to learn how to keep living with a broken heart that still misses him every day.

With love

Your friend who is still grieving.